Saturday, May 16, 2015

Why can't I sleep?



I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night wondering who am I, what am I, and why I am they that I am.  I can’t sleep at so I grab my phone to Google in search to hopefully find the answers to these burning questions that I have. But as I search the Internet looking up different definitions to roles that I believe that I play. I am more confused to who I am then when I started the search. Yes the Internet can be a place to find out a lot about things, people, and places. The Internet failed me it did not help me in my quest to find out who I am. The question still remains a mystery to me. Who am I? What am I? Why am I? When am I? How am I? 

Who am I am? I know that I am a mother to two wonderful and amazing boys. I have a mother that is more than a mother to me she is also my best friend. I have a few closed friends that I can count on one hand that I can trust and love me for me. I know that I am very impulsive. If I think about it then I have to pursue it right away.  I know that I am a person that loves to fix situations and people’s problem. That is one of my biggest downfalls. When someone starts to talk about a situation that they are having immediately I start thinking of ways of how to help them. Even with out trying I step in and solve their problems.  Why? There is that question again. Not to pat me on the back, but I am good at fixing things and solving problems. I love to research any and everything. If I am presented with a problem the first then I do is research. Even if I have an idea of what to do, I research that idea. I could be talking to anyone about anything my mind starts to wonder and all I see is the bigger picture even before it happens. I have already put together a strategic plan of action within minutes of listening to them.

What am I? I have always thought that I knew the answer to this question. What do you mean what am I? I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a leader. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a godmother. I am an auntie. I am strong. I am creative. I am a visionary. I am a makeup artist. I am a researcher. I am nice. I am a giver. I am a survivor. Even with all these wonderful attributes of who I am I am still confused and it takes me back to the question who am I?

What am I? People have told me to just focus on one thing at a time. Sure, no problem this should be easy. So I thought. On the quest again to find out what am I? Let me start off my saying I have been in school with many different majors to find the answer to this question. They say that college is the time to find out whom you are and what you want to do with your life. For the normal person that might be true. You might be the one that discover you like helping sick people so you become a nurse or a doctor.  Easy problem solve you know who and what you are. Great. Not so great for me. I started out by wanting to be a surgeon, then a computer programmer I know what was I thinking about. So I change my major to criminal justice (cue my superhero music) I was going to save the world. So I thought. My plan was to get my criminal justice degree, go to law school and become a lawyer. Sounds good right? I love researching, stating facts, and debating. This should be a no brainer. As I was doing my research and loving my criminal justice classes I discover that I wanted to be judge. Why not? Being a judge means that I would have the power to really change things. Right?

I was told your passion is what you are. My passion? Okay got it. My passion is helping me look and feel good about them. I have a passion for all things glamorous and fabulous. My passion is makeup. I am good at applying makeup on myself and other people. So I did my research about being a makeup artist. I found out that if I wanted to apply makeup on other people and get paid for it then I needed a cosmetologist license. No problem. I decided to get my cosmetologist license. As I was going to cosmetologist school I discover that I love high fashion, Avant grade, editorial hair and makeup. I realize that I did not want to be stuck in a salon just doing the trends but I wanted to create the trends. Again, school was supposed to help me narrow down what I wanted to do. I started my research I wanted to be a session stylist. I graduate and pass the state boards with my license and my career, so I thought.

I focus so much on hair and makeup that I forgot about my passion for fashion. No I cannot sew or draw. But I do have an eye for what looks good and what looks bad   and the ability to see the bigger picture. I back to the Internet to research a career. I found out with my abilities and license I could be an image consultant, wardrobe consultant, and or a fashion stylist. So I was on my quest to make my dreams come true. Finally I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

If that was true then why am I currently enrolled in college to obtain my bachelor degree in communication?  Oh I know because I wanted to be like Anna Wintour, the editor of Vogue Magazine.  My love for fashion, beauty, editorial and runway pointed me in the direction of editor. Not only did I want to be an editor I wanted to be the creative director of a fashion magazine. Did I mention that I was impulsive? Again, my need to help people solve their problems in a creative way lead me back in school.

Now, I am back in school taking classes and doing extremely well. Learning things quickly is what I am good at.  So I how did I go from editor to public relations? For me being in school just entice and confuse me more. I enjoyed my communication, marketing, and now my public relations clusters. Again, public relations wanting to help solve people problems lead to me researching crisis management.  I wanted to be Olivia Pope. Well Judy Smith the real Olivia Pope who the character is base off. I want to be a problem solver. But I am also a makeup artist, hairstylist, and an image consultant.

Why am I? Why am I so impulsive? Why do I feel the need to solve people problems? Why was I created? Why do I need to have control? Why do I have anxiety? Why do I wake up in the middle of night with ideas in my head? Why do I want to help people? In my public relations cluster we have are reading this book Rule of Thumb. In this book one of the rules is what gets you up in the morning and keeps you up at night is your passion. What get me up in the morning are the ideas in my head that keep me up all night.  The idea of wanting to start my own business and becoming successful is my desire. The question is why can’t I narrow it down to one thing. To one business adventure that sums it all together? Why am I going from one career to the next? Why can’t I make up my mind?  Why can’t I just focus on one thing at a time?

When am I? When am I going to narrow it down to just one thing to focus one? When am I going to start my own business? When am I going to make my passion my paycheck? I am always told in time. Just be patient and believe in yourself. It is going to happen just wait.  Well I am waiting and believing in myself but truth be told I am having a little problem with the being patient part.

How am I? How am I going to start my own business? How am I going to get clients? How am I going to be able to invest into my business? How am I going to determine what business to start? So, I went back to my good old friend Google and started researching. It suggested that I start a blog. Okay no problem I started a blog. Within a year I was nominated for an award for my fashion blog. Now I see myself on panels, hosting events and workshops, and interviewing people about fashion. The question is how?  How do I go from a to b? Go to school. I did that and I am currently in school right now. I will forever be a student of life.  Know your passion. I have a lot of passion.

The questions that I have may never be fully answer with one quick answer. I might just be one of the not so normal people with different levels to them. I may not fit into the normal mode of having just one career focus. I have to be all right with me knowing that.

Hey that’s it. I am not normal. I was created not to be normal. I am who I am. I have many talents and abilities. I want to use all of skills to help people solve their problems in a creative and fashionable way. That is my business. My business is your business. Whatever my clients needs help with or solving rather it’s makeup, fashion, handling a crisis, or just coming up with a strategic plan to help them and their company. Then I am the one woman for the job. Maybe that’s why God created me to have so many gifts and talents, and the need to continue to further my education. So that whatever the need is I will have some type of knowledge to help with the need no matter what it is.